I think I did this in my new moleskine the day after I finished the last journal entry. It may seem kind of depressing, and I'm sorry for all of you close to me that are having a hard time reading all these and thinking I am in such a horrible state. The fact is it helps me to write this stuff down and express it in a way I can't really when I'm just talking with people. That's what happened with this journal-type thing. And it ended up a lot better afterwards, if only because I had gotten something out there. I was staring at the sketchbook thinking I ought to draw something and couldn't think and got myself kind of worked up over the whole I'm-going-to-draw-something-and-put -probably-ugly-lines-on-a-page-of-a-awesome-pretty-much-new-sketchbook-and-it-will-probably-be-in-the-senior-gallery-and-it-had-better-be-good thing. So I just started listing things I am afraid of. And then the rest happened.
Today might not always be great, but a big part of what I'm trying to do right now is stay focused each day on how each day can be better than the last. In the last few days since I wrote this I've been reminded through various events of who I am and why I'm here and how the future can really be wonderful, and I'm trying to keep a hold of that. When I know who I am it feels like it would be quite simple to wake up tomorrow and forget about trying to be quite so perfect, or not have to try so hard to be hopeful, because at least for the moment I understand my place in the story. Maybe that's the root of them problem. If I don't see the story and where I'm at in it, I get lost.
I'm not sure if that makes any sense. All these things--hopelessness and perfectionism and thinking about the future--are all related somehow in my brain.
Anyway, here's to a tomorrow that I know can be better. :)